So I’m in college. This is my fourth and final year.
Thanks be to God.
My freshman year, I was a mental and emotional wreck. I was constantly in a state of distress, which caused a lot of trouble for others, even those who stuck with me through it. I attempted suicide and self-harmed several times. I was basically kicked out of my residence hall. I went back to my hometown for the summer and didn’t do much.
When I came back for my sophomore year, I was living alone in a studio apartment. I had a painfully pathetic crush on my neighbor. But other than that, I began to live a very solitary life. My inner extrovert had not yet appeared. I was still struggling with my mental health, and was hospitalized once again. However, that was the one that broke the truth to me- I needed to kick the demons. I had to prioritize other people and be the person they wanted me to be. That summer I tried my hand at a counseling center internship, quit it, and then took a job at a grocery store, and loved it.
I finally moved into a house with 2 other amazing girls. It was so nice to live with people again. I trained and became a volunteer rape crisis counselor, continued my cashier job, and took on a lot of academic work. Then, unfathomably, things got worse than they had ever been. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic pain disorder, and it had me practically bedridden half the time. I dropped out of school. I didn’t eat or sleep hardly at all. My twin brother suffered a drug overdose, and was in a coma, breathing through a ventilator for 2 weeks. It brought me back to the helplessness I felt when my little brother was fighting cancer- a battle he lost- 7 years ago. Still, in that time, I tried supporting my parents, but my father tore me a new one every day, as he had done for 20 years. When I came back to school in the spring, I didn’t manage my time well, and ended up with a 1.8 gpa for the semester.
Now it’s the summer before my senior year. I quit my job at the grocery, which I do miss, but I had given more than my share to that place. I started working at my school’s radio station instead, which barely pays enough for me to survive, but is far less stressful. I’ve spent oodles of time with my wonderful boyfriend. Been to France for a week, two weddings, and a conference in North Carolina. I’ve had time to laze around and clean my room, but also work out and plan my life. I am finally stable mentally and physically, and I have learned to prioritize myself so that I can be the person I want to be, which is what I should have learned two years ago.
Honestly, I have never had a “good year”. I’ve dealt with a lot more than this before I came to college. But holy shit this could be it. I designed a great schedule that allows me to do everything I need to do- from hot yoga on Saturdays to my capstone seminar on Wednesdays- and I feel like a real adult. I genuinely love everything I am doing. And yes I am taking my vitamins and doing my 20 minutes of meditation a day. There’s nothing standing between me and the fruition of my dreams anymore. Three years of hell behind me, I deserve this victory lap.
So basically there’s two points to this story:
- If you’re going to follow YasGirlPreach! you need to know this background. You need to know why I am doing all the things I’m doing here- it’s because after all of this, I have found a way to get my shit together, and I want to share it with you.
- Whether or not you continue following the blog, I want you to know that no matter what you are going through, you are going to get through it. They only call it “rock bottom” because it’s a solid foundation on which to build your victory. So please if nothing else, believe in yourself.
How does it feel to have your shit together after 21 years?
Overwhelming, new, and incredible.